One of my greatest fears about stepping into faith is falling short and not being perfect. Growing up, I was always the “perfect child”. I apparently took that very seriously and made it my mission in life. When I was anything less than perfect, I punished myself and began to spiral. I questioned who I was if I wasn’t up to par. My identity was lost and I questioned myself if I wasn’t flawless.
I still struggle with this, but I can now see how irrational and impossible being perfect is. Also, how incredibly boring being perfect would be. There would be zero room to grow and to learn. This struggle came up during lecture, Aaron and Lori explained it in a way I have never been able to comprehend and receive before.
As Christians, yes, we strive to be more and more like Jesus, who was the perfect person. But, we can never achieve perfection because we do not know what the future holds. We can have perfect intentions, but we will always continue to hurt others and sin. We are not God, we cannot possibly comprehend and understand everything. Up to this point, I have struggled to step into spiritual warfare, in the fear that I will disappoint myself, others and God.
I realized that I must stop gratifying my slip ups. If I want to be a perfectionist, I should be a perfectionist in repentance. I must repent of my sins (this does not mean beat myself up or glorify them), but address them and forgive my past. This is necessary so I am able to move forward in my faith and stop repeating my mistakes. Repenting is such a freeing experience.
I want to clarify that repentance does not make sin and mistakes, ones I have made and others have made, OK or fix them. This also doesn’t mean that we have to reconcile unhealthy relationships. It just means that we are able to let go of the anger and move forward in our lives. Conquering anger, guilt, remorse, etc. will allow me to step out in faith. I have always had a fear of public speaking and I realize now that it is really the fear of saying anything that isn’t perfect. Being free from an unrealistic standard will allow me to speak up, have a voice, pray for others, and speak in front of a crowd ❤