I Just Don’t Care Anymore

My senior year of high school I went to class a total of 58 times… I slept, ate, and got really good at lying. I was “sick” 3 days of the week and a teacher coincidentally always “canceled class” the days I wasn’t sick. I had no drive and no motivation. I was too depressed and hopeless to leave my bed. I didn’t understand the point of this thing we call life. To me, it just looked like a cycle of disappointments, failures, and discouragement. I lived for the weekends. I would routinely resurrect every Friday night. I found my identity in drinking, drugs, partying and raving. I lived for an escape from reality. In a speech class, I stood in front of my peers and had a full-blown panic attack. To solve this, I was put on, of course, a drug, that physically slowed down my heart (super safe). I was terrified to be seen, to be known, to be rejected. I didn’t even know myself or want to know myself.

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The other day I was singing and dancing, worshipping Jesus. I was so drunk and high that I couldn’t stand. I fell to the floor and started to cry tears of joy.

“Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy.”

– Psalm 47:1

I eventually came back down to earth and realized I was completely sober. I hadn’t taken a pill, a sip of alcohol, or smoked. The purest joy flooded my being. This joy is a free gift. This joy is constant. This joy is my new life. This is truly living. This joy is the new reality I get to live in every single day. There are no more bad days living with Jesus. Haha, it’s surreal. It’s indescribable. He is the best thing to happen to me. I’m not waiting for the promises of heaven, the Kingdom has come and dwelt in my very own life.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the Lord.”

– Psalm 40:1-3

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Some of you may be reading this and saying, “you’re crazy”. Well, you’re 100% correct. I’m crazy for the one who saved my life. Crazy enough to be vulnerable and not tremble a bit or second guess myself. Crazy enough to bubble over the top with so much joy that I sing through the streets (yes out loud).

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” 

– Romans 15:13

Crazy enough to be fearlessly known and loved. Crazy enough to say “no” to the things of this world and live for another. Crazy enough to give my life to Someone who loved me when I hated Him and myself. Crazy enough to want this life for everyone. Crazy enough to go into far off places to love on others. Crazy enough to not care what anyone else thinks, because I live for Him and Him alone. Crazy enough to choose Him every time. Crazy enough to never turn back. I just don’t care anymore and it’s the most freeing thing I’ve ever known. If it’s not Jesus, I don’t care, I don’t want it.

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“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

-Joshua 1:9

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 

-Psalm 23:4

“I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” 

-Psalm 34:4

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Hope you enjoyed this post! Feel free to reach me personally at acarter2015@yahoo.com

Be blessed ❤

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